Hold me,Thrill me ,Kiss me,Kill me…..

PAIN: the definition of this word may be contradicted in many different ways depending on the various ways a person has experienced it.

The first time I felt pain, was actually slamming my face on the wall of a staircase in high school. I was walking confidently down the stairs when I lost balance… and BOOM..
I felt this sudden rush of pain from my nose right to the centre of my brain, tears were running down my eyes …

I didn’t know where I was, I had no idea who was looking at, the voices around me didn’t make sense at all… … I just wanted to feel normal again..

I wanted the feeling to go away as soon as possible. The pain was so bad I felt my soul run out of my body and slap me in the face … swearing at me … telling me how clumsy can I be?????????????

My tiny nose felt like it grew 10times the size it was …I opened my eyes, trying to recognize my surroundings…… it was Grey, Smelled like pencils, and dust, oh yes,… I was still in school… two boys behind me … tried to carry me down the stairs… and down to the nurse’s room…………… Still… I felt pain, but now the pain of embarrassment infront of the biggest crush of my life! ………..

This pain is temporary, it is the only type that can be rid by some sort of medical prescription. Another horrid type is the type that you can’t control… The rush you feel in you heart, the pain in your chest when you see someone you don’t want to see… someone who’s hurt you so bad, someone who you longed for… and want so bad… BOTH are painful…

This sort of pain is uncontrollable…. The rush is uncontrollable,,, your face reaction is indescribable and obviously reflects how you feel towards the person …whether it was hate or love…. It still was PAIN. It’s F%cked up…. That’s what it is….

Nothing… you can’t concentrate on whatever the person next to you is saying… your body starts to sweat, you just wanted your heart to stop beating so hard, to avoid the person next to you to hear it… you get nauseous, and you just wanna disappear…literally… be sucked in to a hole in the ground and never to be seen again.

Overcoming this sort of pain is by trying to concentrate on something so random and irrelevant to what is actually going on around you… maybe the fly on the table, the napkin in the rubbish bin, the person sipping the cup of coffee without a care in the world….something like that… otherwise…the other person…the one you really don’t wanna see or show how you feel – will notice.

The other type of pain is betrayal,being hurt, being cut off…u get all the feelings mentioned above, but one thing is its not temporary, its almost embedded in to you.. the missing feeling is being NUMB….

I feel so numb,with no energy, no food… my best friend was my cigarette and my Sonia Rykel lighter…that’s it… that’s what I ate, drank, and breathed! I actually enjoyed that feeling, I loved the low…. I loved the fact that it was permanent… I still feel it today.. its like a rush…and a stab in my gut… it’s wat drives me today… the numbness… the coldness, I don’t feel any remorse to anyone around me….

Maybe I will not feel ‘normal’ again, but what is normal today anyways? The types of pain I mentioned, are the types of pain that you all must feel maybe once in your lives, but I feel everyday…..and maybe that is what has developed in to being a normal state of mind for me today….